Commanding nothing, not even myself.

Life's weird, you know? Except I'm even weirder.

A lot of the times I think If I fulfill the list of goals and expectations I had for myself I will be my happy old self again, I'll be able to find myself. To save myself.

But then I do these things and I feel nothing. Not happy, not accomplished. I even forget I've hit these milestones, its kind of like I never did them, or if I did, I wasn't really there while it happened. Do you know the feeling?

For example as soon as I was able to drive, 17+, I was all gungho on going on a road trip. Alone. With a friend. Or two, or three. Just to experience driving and having fun without parental supervision. Which may not seem like a big deal but to me it was always important to go out and try new things and do these things as a sign of independence and adulthood.. Responsibility.

So in May me and one of my old high school best friends went down south for three days. It was a blast, but I didn't even see it as us being alone. I didn't realize it was at that point. I'm going to assume that it was the fact that I went finally, at 21 years old when I had felt independent enough as it was. But still, it was a milestone.

Earlier today I was thinking to myself- hey. When me and my man go on our road trip to Maine in a few weeks, it will be my first road trip ever! And then I was like wait a second, thats a lie. I went with my friend earlier, alone.

And its little things like that that make me realize that I am not okay in my mind. For one reason or another, that is the conclusion I have come to.

ALSO... I have realized I have many goals that I want to complete, things I want to do... but I feel this impending doom, kind of like I don't have the time to do it in. Ever feel like that?

I'd quit school back in March and had free time up until July 5th when my three online courses started. What did I do in that time? I guess quite a bit, but none of it was relevant to my personal goals...

My life is like 'what' right now. Thats right, 'what' with no question marks, explanation marks...
Yeah.

-VP